On Learning

It's been (a long, arduous) 5 weeks since my arrival in Rome. Originally I was going to stay for a year. Then six months. Then three. Now it looks as though I'll be home by halloween. Some of you already know this but others may be in shock. Let me explain.

I'm a bit torn up about my decision. As it happens, I wanted to love this city and my new life here. The image of me coming home with my tail between my legs popped up in one too many a nightmare. After weeks of prepping and getting out of Manhattan with much fanfare, I feel like I tricked people into believing I was going for good. But rather than look at these past weeks as a failed experiment I see them as an incredibly expensive quarter-life crisis. And for some odd reason, though I usually care all too much what people think of me, I don't care that I am coming home early. No fear of failure here. In fact, since I am making this very conscious decision to return rather than sadistically sweat out 5 more months where I know I won't be happy, I feel actually confident.

I have a few potential work opportunites on the horizon and would love to pursue those. For the first time in my life, as my sister pointed out, I am actually excited by the thought of working! Initially the combination of losing my apartment and being stuck in a job that was about as stimulating as watching paint dry were the catalysts for the drastic change. But I also thought my life in New York had gotten stagnant. I was seeing the same people and doing the same activities on a regular basis. When I went to look at apartments to purchase I panicked at the thought. Me? Settle down? Shiver. I was horrified at the thought of committing to a place. Most of my exboyfriends know how commitment-phobic I am in general. Forget houses and relationships, I can hardly make a purchase without weighing all sides and 'what-ifs?' How can I buy those Stella McCartney sunglasses if there may be some better Chanel ones at the next shop? But the problem is, if you are constantly worried about missing out on something, chance are you miss out on what's right in front of you. And what was right in front of me in Manhattan was pretty damn perfect. I just needed to go 5000 miles away to realize it.

A few things I've learned from my brief stay here.
1. New Yorkers do Italian food better than most Italian restaurants.
2. Food, grocery, and wine delivery are things to be grateful for.
3. Sometimes a fantasy should remain just that...a fantasy.
4. Life is full of peaks and valleys (I know I've told my friends this a thousand times before, and yet only now am I heeding my own wisdom). Just because one day you're bored it doesn't mean the world will implode. For every weekend of mundane life there are three weekends full of parties, openings, exhibits and dinners.
5. Sometimes I need to just live in the moment. How can you enjoy yourself in the present if you're constantly looking for your next, future 'fix'?
6. Lastly, and perhaps most important, you have to be happy with yourself. I can't keep expecting someone or something else to make me happy - it's not about external factors.

So many things I had at home I took for granted.

So it became that I changed my return ticket. I'm really glad I came here, though. I'd always had a romantic idea of living abroad and now I can say with heavy confidence, I've gotten that out of my system. If I'd never done it I would never know, and it would drive me crazy. I've always been a big fan of experimentation.

I'll be heading to the good old south when I first get back but plan on coming to the NY/CT for interviews and that favorite NYer pastime - apartment hunting. Expect phone calls of me asking to stay for a weekend. Regan - better break out that Aerobed.

Thanks to all who have read this blog. I'm sure 'A Blonde In Winston-Salem' won't be quite the same but believe me, I'll find a way to make the everyday entertaining. See you stateside.